Most of us have things we would like to change in our lives. We engage with life in ways that create obstacles to feeling fully energized and achieving the goals that inspire us. Things like being hyper-critical, consistently looking at the negative side of things, or jumping to premature conclusions.
Sometimes those “habits” are so ingrained it’s a challenge to even notice them, much less change them. So the question is, how do you change that? In my work with clients, I have found an effective approach is to give the expectation of immediate change the heave-ho and focus instead on making it a process.
Here are five steps you can use to shift from a limiting habitual approach to an approach that lets the energy flow.
I. Notice
When something is a deeply ingrained habitual approach, it can be hard to even notice that you’re doing it. The first step then, is simply to train your brain to notice what you’re trying to change. Don’t worry about actually changing it yet. That comes later.
To help create that awareness, try an End-of-Day Review. At the end of the day, take a minute and scan back through your day. Where did the thing you want to change happen? Jot it down. Do this for a week.
II. Notice & explore alternatives
Once you start recognizing it more readily after the fact, start exploring alternatives. For example, if you are trying to stop getting irritated when others don’t do what you think they “should” do, for each time you notice ask yourself, “How could I have looked at this? What is a way I could have seen it that wouldn’t have left me feeling so irritated?”
The idea is to exercise your brain so that it ultimately has the “muscle memory” to take a new approach. You’re conditioning your mind to respond differently.
III. Notice in real time
As you focus on noticing and exploring alternatives, you will likely start to recognize the old approach more in real time, as it happens. Practice noticing throughout the day. Again, you’re not worried about implementing the new choice yet (though if it happens on its own, great).
The key to this step is to become really aware of what you’re doing as it happens. Without that in-the-moment awareness, you remain at the mercy of the old approach.
IV. Explore different choices in real time
Once you consistently recognize the old approach as it comes up, play with making a different choice. Catch yourself and ask the same questions as you asked in the “notice and explore alternatives” step.
You might be able to catch yourself and ask the question before the old approach comes into play, or it might be immediately after the fact. Either is fine. You’re getting closer!
V. Make a different choice
The piece de resistance then, is recognizing the situation where the old approach looms.
It helps to think of this part of the process as a fade from one approach to another as you increasingly choose the new option over the old. It probably won’t be a flip-of-the-switch change, so don’t beat yourself up if it’s not.
VI. Enjoy your new habit
Ultimately the goal is to be able to default to the new perspective so you don’t have to consciously choose between the old, restrictive approach and the new, liberating one. Once that happens, enjoy!
Give it time
The key to this whole process is to leave the desire for instant gratification at the door and allow it to unfold over time. Let your mind organically shift to the new approach, rather than trying to knock it out of the old track and into the new one. Have patience.
For clarity I have sketched this out in a linear series of steps, but in reality one tends to flow into the other, merging and evolving naturally.
I have seen this approach work time and again with my clients on a broad range of “habits.” Don’t take my word for its effectiveness, though. Try it yourself. Conduct an experiment and see what happens.
What do you have to lose?
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